First draft...how liberating to post something so terribly unfinished! This is about the process, I remind myself...

10/6- After our work with concepts in a recent writing circle, we decided to break down the story writing steps and work through the process together.  Here is what came from our first session of drafting for me.


Jack sits with his coffee by the window of his new apartment.  He calls it an apartment, though after he crashed his car the move was clearly an intervention by his family.  He refuses to call it a retirement home.  The best part is that they put coffee out in the common area, free coffee every morning until 8:00 a.m.

Avery, his grandson, is coming to pick him up.  Jack’s daughter called from Hawaii and screamed, “he’ll be there by seven, Dad.  Love you!”

She moved Jack and then left for her husband’s time share.  She didn’t even help him unpack the boxes.  They followed the movers and she called on the way for take-out. 

“Isn’t this nice?” she cooed as they ate Chinese food and then she was gone. 

Now, two weeks later, he waited for his grandson.  Avery pulls up in the Buick, parking in a tow away zone.  Jack taps the window, shooing and pointing at the sign.  Avery looks up and waves.  He doesn’t smile.  What kind of trouble did you get into, Jack thinks, in order to have this chore?

The car smelled faintly of cigarettes and grease.  “That’s my car,” Jack muttered as Avery threw a gum wrapper to the floor.  Neither spoke.  At the gym, Avery parked and walked in with Jack.

“I’m here for Randy.” Jack threw his membership card down.

“You must be Jack.”

Jack didn’t answer.  “where is Randy?”

“He revised his client schedule and decided that you and I would be a better fit.” Her smile looked like it was about to crack.

Jack pouted.  Avery shifted from side to side.  The basketball game was on in the lobby. 

“C’mon Gramps.  Doctor’s orders.  Want me to carry your stuff to your locker?”

“No.  I’m not going to listen to her.”

“Yes, yes, you are.” Avery turned to the trainer.  “He’s all right.  He’ll be fine.”

“Mr. Prescott, I assure you that we are a team.  Let me help you meet your fitness goals.”

“I want my car back.” Jack looked at Avery, who rolled his eyes.

“Go change, and I’ll meet you up at the treadmills.

Avery settled in on the couch.  Jack walked while the trainer changed his speed and incline and watched him adjust his pace.  They moved into the lifting area and she showed him some movements to do for balance.  He didn’t want to admit that she was pretty good.  Her skin was too tan for Oregon, her hair was heavy and think and the bangs fell into her eyes.  Jack looked at her arms, and the tight tank top she wore.  Her face had dark circles, she was strong but not tightly toned like a bodybuilder.  Her nail polish was chipped.

“I’ve seen you before,” Jack spoke.

“I’ve worked her for six years, she smiled. 

Jack continued, “yes I’ve seen you with those fancy shoes and tight dresses.  Where are you going looking like that?” his tone was scornful and she blushed .

Avery was waiting when Jack came out of the locker room.

“How did it go?”

“What did you do?”

“What do you mean?  I watched basketball.”
“No.  What did you do to have to ferry me around?”

Avery was silent. 

“Goddammit!” Jack shouted.  “Why doesn’t anyone tell me anything?”

“My apartment was broken into.”

“So?”

“They stole some expensive stuff.  Stuff I hadn’t paid for yet.”

“Drugs?”

“C’mon Gramps!”

“Well?”

“Yeah.”

“What did your mother say?”

“Well, she doesn’t know.  She thinks I broke my friend’s D.J. equipment.  So her husband loaned me the cash.”

“You need to stop doing drugs.”
“I know.”

“What is with you young people?  You have time, youth, and beauty and you throw it away at the bars looking like hookers and doing drugs!”

Avery laughed.  It was the first time Jack had seen him smile all day.  Avery had been a sad kid growing up.  His mom had divorced his dad and met another man fast.  Avery had been shuffled between his mother, who paid him no attention, and his father, who drank a lot. 

“Who is the hooker?  I’ve never dressed like that!”

“Nevermind.”  They were back at the apartment. 

“See you Thursday.” Avery said as Jack shut the door.

Her name was Lisa, Jack read her name at their next session.  Jack had seen her around as he stretched and exercised.  Jack’s doctor recommended a trainer after Jack got into the fender bender.  So here he was. 

On Thurday Avery looked a little less ragged.

“Did you cut your hair?” Jack asked.

“Yep.  And I brought my gear.”

“Gear?”

“To exercise.”

Lisa had been out late the night before at a friend’s birthday.  She knew that her family would say she was burning the candle at both ends.  She was 32.  The time she had wasted with partners in the past brought her here, she was desperate to meet someone.

Jack knew that he would never be able to lay in a nursing home bed and waste away.  So when the pangs began, he didn’t use the call button in the locker room.  Avery was already playing basketball.  Lisa was drinking a smoothie.  She waited.  Finally she went to get Avery. 

“Excuse me.  Your grandfather?”

                  When he walked in, he knew.  The ambulance came, the faint heart beat gave them the urgency to turn on the sirens and thrust him into the back. 

Lisa cried.  Avery stood with her, opting to drive to the hospital.  She came along. 

“No other family came. “

“It’s complicated.”

“Is that why he is so grouchy?”

“My grandma left 25 years ago.  My uncle died of AIDS.  Grandpa was pretty black and white.  He never spoke to Grandma again, only saw Uncle Pete once after he came out.  Grandma met someone and didn’t remarry, so Grandpa still paid her.  All that.  My mom reminds him of her.  She remarries though, just a richer, more obnoxious guy each time.”

“You need to stop what you’re doing.”

“What?”

“The heels, the late nights.”

Before she could respond he added, “It’ll be too late before you know it.  Trust me.”

Lisa let this information fall into place with her last conversation with Jack.

When the doctor came out and told Avery that he died in surgery, Avery said, “shit!” and she grabbed his hand.